Search found 1919 matches

by NotQuiteSure
Tue Jun 22, 2021 10:48 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: After the frost (revision3)
Replies: 12
Views: 91

Re: After the frost (revision2)

. Hi mac, this version's not flowing as well as some of the earlier ones. Still think 'This' is better than 'The' (L1), more natural sounding. Can't understand the period after 'size' (L2) surely L3 is a continuation of that thought? 'little' (L5) remains ambiguous, do you mean 'few' or were the fru...
by NotQuiteSure
Mon Jun 21, 2021 10:42 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: After the frost (revision3)
Replies: 12
Views: 91

Re: After the frost (revision)

. Hi mac, like the notion of a 'retirement border' - but I think 'light doodles' (which is such a nice idea, shame it doesn't have its own poem) would work better with the original 'shaded'. (The idea that N is a crackpot brought a smile, I'm assuming that was deliberate.) According to the RHS, blue...
by NotQuiteSure
Sun Jun 20, 2021 11:05 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: After the frost (revision3)
Replies: 12
Views: 91

Re: After the frost

Hi mac, allowing for 'serenades' (touch and go for cliché, but 'Deserves ... ' rescues it) I get lost on the last sentence. I thought the 'blue berry bush' came from the cracked pot, and lacking an undamaged replacement, was planted in the 'shaded border'. If so, whither 'yellow rose'? Reads like on...
by NotQuiteSure
Sun Jun 20, 2021 11:03 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Unknown Soldier (v2)
Replies: 8
Views: 1034

Re: Unknown Soldier (v2)

Hi mac, thanks for the read - a default to familiar phrases, a device to convey the cliche of her life? Pretty much, she's rather plain spoken (I think) and they suit her. maybe/perhaps weaken, definites, confidence convince/reassure the reader I might stretch to 'only' but I like the element of dou...
by NotQuiteSure
Sat Jun 19, 2021 3:40 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Unknown Soldier (v2)
Replies: 8
Views: 1034

Re: Unknown Soldier (v2)

- a rather belated rewrite -
by NotQuiteSure
Sat Jun 19, 2021 1:33 pm
Forum: Ezines, Magazines and Publications
Topic: Current Accounts (4)
Replies: 4
Views: 56

Re: Current Accounts (4)

Hi mac,
just to echo Tristan, enjoyed and remembered.

Regards, Not

.
by NotQuiteSure
Sat Jun 19, 2021 11:54 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Haiku Train
Replies: 7642
Views: 1032934

Re: Haiku Train

knit jumpers instead
traditions intertwining
all links in the chain
by NotQuiteSure
Fri Jun 11, 2021 10:18 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Grethel (v2)
Replies: 5
Views: 181

Re: Grethel

Thanks mac.
by NotQuiteSure
Thu Jun 10, 2021 3:56 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Grethel (v2)
Replies: 5
Views: 181

Re: Grethel

.
An alternative to lines 37/38

and everywhere the reek of flesh,
her sour life made sweet in death.


Any thoughts?


.
by NotQuiteSure
Wed Jun 09, 2021 5:56 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Grethel (v2)
Replies: 5
Views: 181

Re: Grethel

Hi mac, thanks for the read. knub (n.) "small lump, butt-end or piece," 1560s, probably cognate with Low German knubbe "knot, knob," Danish knub "block, log, stump". Does Grethel equate to Gretel in German? Variant spellings (Gretel/Grettel/Grethel), you takes your pick. - revisions L06, changed fro...
by NotQuiteSure
Wed Jun 09, 2021 4:41 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Grethel (v2)
Replies: 5
Views: 181

Grethel (v2)

. v2 Grethel "I won't" she said, "I won't go back. Not this time. To her? To Dad? It's twice they have abandoned us to die alone here in the woods with only two small knubs of bread. Oh no, that's right, just one. You fed yours to all those peckish birds. 'Don't worry', you said, 'could be worse,' r...
by NotQuiteSure
Sun Jun 06, 2021 12:38 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Girl in the Woods
Replies: 8
Views: 284

Re: The Girl in the Woods

Thanks for returning mac, Tristan.
'that' and the ending reinstated (but I don't think the ending quite works ... yet Haven't been able to put my finger on why ... yet.)


Regards, Not

.
by NotQuiteSure
Sun Jun 06, 2021 11:19 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Christmas Visiting 2020
Replies: 1
Views: 77

Re: Christmas Visiting 2020

. Hi Eira, this seems to be trying to be jollier than it really is (which might be intentional). Perhaps get rid of the Christmas references at the beginning (the title sets the scene). I struggled with 'pod', though you explain it later, so maybe December ___, 2020 Silently we wait in the pod, anxi...
by NotQuiteSure
Sun Jun 06, 2021 10:53 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Escape from Routine (rev1)
Replies: 5
Views: 210

Re: Escape from Routine (rev1)

Hi Eira. Oldie or not, it's a fun read (and improved by the revision). Possibly as close to a holiday as some people will get this year. Dolphin towels and psychedelic ........... maybe Disney (since you've MM later) swimwear swimwear tumble to a washing rhythm, ......... to the washers rhythm? a pl...
by NotQuiteSure
Sat Jun 05, 2021 5:04 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Girl in the Woods
Replies: 8
Views: 284

Re: The Girl in the Woods

Hi Tristan, thanks for the read, Going to stick with 'gristle' for a while longer ('sinew' has a connotation of strength that I don't want, 'gristle' an unpleasant toughness, which I do.) Cut the 'sometimes'. gaps in the narrative, but maybe this doesn’t matter as I quite like the piece - its atmosp...
by NotQuiteSure
Fri Jun 04, 2021 4:57 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Girl in the Woods
Replies: 8
Views: 284

Re: The Girl in the Woods

Hi mac,
thanks for the read (and catching the typo. Drat!)
Is the lack of end-line commas an issue (easy fix if so)?
Macavity wrote:
Fri Jun 04, 2021 4:24 pm
Nice tease of detail and no expansion of that detail, the lean rationale of a folktale narrative.
Something for the Jack Spratt reader :)

Regards, Not

.
by NotQuiteSure
Fri Jun 04, 2021 1:07 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Girl in the Woods
Replies: 8
Views: 284

The Girl in the Woods

. v3 The Girl in the Woods He saw her once at summer's end, he said, crossing the ridgeway hair as long as a horse's tail, and that knife. Years ago, she stepped from the shadows of one beech to another. Made as much sound as a leaf falling. Everyone knew why she stayed lost, a mother like that and ...
by NotQuiteSure
Wed Jun 02, 2021 5:32 pm
Forum: Ezines, Magazines and Publications
Topic: Snakeskin
Replies: 4
Views: 164

Re: Snakeskin

Well done Tristan,
and not forgetting Ray and Seth.
by NotQuiteSure
Tue Jun 01, 2021 10:32 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Herd Immunity
Replies: 5
Views: 225

Re: Herd Immunity

Thanks Tristan,

regards, Not

.
by NotQuiteSure
Mon May 31, 2021 2:21 pm
Forum: Ezines, Magazines and Publications
Topic: London Grip
Replies: 3
Views: 85

Re: London Grip

Macavity wrote:
Mon May 31, 2021 10:46 am
Nice to be in such company :)
Isn't it. And well done to you two too.
by NotQuiteSure
Mon May 31, 2021 9:55 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Herd Immunity
Replies: 5
Views: 225

Re: Herd Immunity

.
Thanks Tristan, mac.
glad you enjoyed.

Regards, Not

Afterthought - would this work without the first line?

.
by NotQuiteSure
Mon May 31, 2021 9:53 am
Forum: Ezines, Magazines and Publications
Topic: London Grip
Replies: 3
Views: 85

London Grip

Mac, Not and Firebird in the current issue.
by NotQuiteSure
Sun May 30, 2021 1:16 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Herd Immunity
Replies: 5
Views: 225

Herd Immunity

.
v2
Herd Immunity

Just a couple of pricks
can sway an electorate.


____________


Herd Immunity

The lesson of the campaign:
just a couple of pricks
can sway the electorate.


.
by NotQuiteSure
Sat May 29, 2021 12:06 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Escape from Routine (rev1)
Replies: 5
Views: 210

Re: Escape from Routine

. Hi Eira, unless this is another oldie, might this be 'the return of the muse'? I enjoyed the read (some great sonics) but thought it didn't flow quite as well as it should, and I thought the ending (love the fish fingers!) had one element too many (shells/pictures/grandparents/friends/paperweight...
by NotQuiteSure
Sat May 29, 2021 11:54 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Circadian Disruption (was Seasonal Adjustment revision 5)
Replies: 17
Views: 1182

Re: Circadian Disruption (was Seasonal Adjustment revision 4)

Hi Eira, improved but I'm not really feeling the connection between N and the hedgehog. Still can't follow the sequence of 'laze on my sofa' to 'stagger to the window' (there's no intervening action). I understood 'circadian' but that idea of 'disruption' doesn't apply to the hedgehog (or the migrat...