Poetry Forum

Let's all stand up and put the world right Sit and talk of genocide and all that other shite A united voice that gives us choice to change the things that matter No! What we really need to do is stand up to Sepp Blatter. Thanks for comments, was a bit of a knee jerk reaction, think above reads bette...

A quick missive..

Let's all stand up and right the wrongs, put the world to right
Sit and talk of genocide and all that other shite
A united voice that gives us choice to right the wrongs that matter
No! What we really need to do is stand up to Sepp Blatter.

I like this premise very much. Every idea or invention is predicated on and by history. As Bill hicks said, it's just a ride. Gbn

Thank you for your comment. Glad you enjoyed the poem. I take the point re may instead of soon. My thoughts are May indicates an element of hope, as the other side of that coin is may not. I think people get so caught up in politics, economics, religion or even just personalities that good and evil ...

Thanks so much for your comment, happy my intention came through this time. Glad you enjoyed it, gbn

Like lots, particularly liked the imagery. I can see the angler's line coming out of the water, spraying glittering drops of water in the sun. Very nice..

Thanks for your comments. I had tried to convey the duality of God and evil, the paradoxically similar dichotomy. I don't think we have choice to be here or not, and the choices we make are all influenced by history for sure. But we do have the choice to act in a good or evil manner, and sometimes f...

Choice

Life and death are in us all
We build some up, watch others fall
Help is given and taken away
Die tomorrow, live today.

The power is in us, everyone
Good and evil soon become
The same thing with a different voice
We all forget, we have a choice

This is nice. Resigned tone, world weary?...enjoyed reading this. Gbn

I watch their interaction as they drink. Predictably deceptive in their mutual flattery. Like them, I know exactly what is going to happen. But I know. I watch them leave and follow them. Nobody ever notices I'm there until it's to late for them to notice. I transcend situations, observe the unfurli...

Really nice...kinda live for the moment vibe? ...

Once again, apologies for the swearing which, on refelection is a bit gratuitous, but here is my final chapter, which kind of explains the point I'm trying to illustrate in the other 19 chapters....your comments have been very useful, and much appreciated, positive or negative.... Chaper 20, epiphan...

Thanks all. Gbn

I watch a leaf, rising and falling on the breath of the world No control over its destination, along for the ride, nothing to hide It has no choice, it has no voice, it just is Rising and falling on the breath of the world. another wee jiggle...gonna work on another haha...thanks for your comments c...

Thank you for your comments. I sometimes feel I use to many words to convey my idea hence the shortening. I like the original better but wanted to present an alternate version for criticism. Thanks again, Gbn

man that's really nice...loved 'tastes of memory', reminds me how evocative taste can be...

Rejigged...

A leaf rises and falls with the breath of the world
No control over its destination, no idea of its station in life
It has no voice, it makes no choice
Rising and falling with the breath of the world.

Yup, point taken about nowhere to hide....will rethink....I wanted last line to mirror first to further make point about our lack of choices...?..

I watch a leaf, rising and falling with the breath of the world
No control over its destination, nowhere to hide, along for the ride
It has no choice, it has no voice, but it is here
Rising and falling on the breath of the world.

Some very original thoughts and lines, combined with some that seem obvious and spurious....the padding?..extensive front window, masses of glass...shrouded, face not really visible....this kind of repetition of concept can interrupt the flow i think. Hunter thompson wrote that he was heavily influe...

Thanks for your comments, gbn

It's interesting you'r comment because I had thought of interspersing it with another voice, perhaps another of the characters presenting the same situations in their words..a duality that when analysed May present a commonality from where we can derive the truth..

Intention was to present the child as becoming feral due to neglect, whilst the parents feed themselves and their drug habit.. the child must fend for itself and whilst it does become feral, it still craves the love of a family...perhaps I overshot this Mark? It was kept short to convey the desperat...

I have edited a few swear words out of main text, and yet.. people talk like this in real life. In my life anyhow...a good exclamation Mark but a poor coma I was advised once...but I am trying to convey real life as it is, not as I'd like it to be..the main characters are not nice people...and there...

Thanks for comment. Rhyme was intended to drive the piece along but can seem quite contrived. Gbn