Poetry Forum

Better eat some chalk.
Cheese offers a great contrast -
You might want a drink.

Thank you David. Yes....it has been a long time. I've been a bit up and down. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder earlier this year and on mood stabilisers now. I wrote a sonnet (some things never change) about the GP's inability to spot my symptoms. Quite frightening but hopefully made for a humo...

Causing belly ache
is prime motive for sadists.
Better eat some chalk.

Thanks Luke. I've changed the grammar where you rightly pointed out mistakes. I can't go with changing the other words or phrases because it would interfere with internal rhymes and the intended meter. "the stars that light the show" was intended to hint at illumination for both time displ...

Hello Byneothr. I'd get brutal with this, and cut S2,3,4 and the 2nd "and then, for most". I'd cut the middle out because it's kind of telling people how to feel. I like the belief being described as dressed up hope, but feel that stanza could do with sharpening up too. Not sure what to su...

Hello stranger (eight years on) I'm afraid I'm at a loss to follow your story here. Is it a number of snapshots that become more apparent as you age? Was the (Red) Bull-drinking a play on words to imply they swallow bullshit? I'm afraid it's got me feeling a bit thick. I get the gist of the first fo...

Thank you for your replies guys. Byneothr - I see your point of logic here. Ultimately the old will be replaced by the new.....but their remaining time is still undetermined. Elotrooso - You're bang theoryon the money with the old clock being whispered to. Whilst I can see that the wear and tear lin...

Hello 1lankest. I love this poem. To me it strikes the right balance between description and enticing the reader to paint their own picture. I like the way it starts outside, "splicing the hung clouds with their woody note", then draws us into the bedroom - to the heat of another. Brillian...

Hello Wazza. I loved the idea here, and found the rhyme and meter went well with the exception of the first line of the last verse. "I put away the mower and (I?) locked the toolshed door." I don't know. It's just that the rhythm was going so well until I stumbled on that line. I know we'r...

Piffle agitates
the hydrochloric acid
causing belly ache

Some are broken, some intact. Showing signs of wear and tear they act as if they never felt the knocks. Old Clocks face an undetermined future as their tempered springs succumb to wind fatigue. In a different league, their silicon replacements are the stars that light the show. Their silent movement...

I really enjoyed this. I particularly liked "with an overwhelming power forged in innocent love" and the gargoyle reference. I'd be happier without L2 and L3 as I think they're superfluous and I'd probably change the last line to simply "round button eyes" as I think it makes the...

Hello cynwulf. I enjoyed much of this though I feel it is over descriptive in places. I particularly liked "Earth 's gunmetal roof melted" and "ice-cold water boiled", also "falls thirty feet to break its neck". I feel it really needs condensing so that the reader can f...

I must confess I prefer your original version. Inversion seems to be a common trap that snares some of us older folk when we strive to keep to rhyme and meter. I did enjoy the read and admire the effort put in here to maintain form.

And share with a kiss
This historical moment
That is filled with bliss

Parent of six kids -
What you doing next Sunday?
You could take eight more!

Sorry SS, this is too deep for an instant crit. My brain needs to chew on it for a few days.

Mick

What's the BRF thing guys? Am I being too innocent here? Lovely poem David. Had a warm feeling to it with a well-matched luni bit at the end complete with the silly rhymes that you hear kids come out with when they're gleeful and mischievous. It worked for me.

Cheers.

Mick

He stoops and hobbles down the windy street - a wrinkled tan in Winter’s bitter bite with hooded eyes drawn tight against the sleet, remembering the days of pure delight. A little girl who beamed when he walked in, a boy who watched in wonder at his tricks, a lady who could always make him grin no m...

Is this a rework of an earlier one Barrie? I feel sure that I've seen the ending before. Very funny...had me laughing from the first. Is it that you don't want to include "loaves and fishes" in the poem because it's too obvious? I thought it was a good idea. Great as it is though. Thanks f...

A sly wolfy grin
from him and the audience
all howl with laughter

See what happens? You can't please all of the people all of the time. Too complex here, too simple there - there's just no pleasing the buggers :) . I quite enjoyed this, though I'm a lazy git recently (note lack of poems posted) so I read the meanings before I had to look them up for myself. I enjo...

Hi Merlin. Glad I caught this work...great the way it developed. Personally I find the idea that poets can't use ordinary language a bit snobby :shock: . It's true to say that poetry expands your vocabulary somewhat, but do we have to forget how to have fun? I love writing to a form even if it's at ...

Tiger’s head, snake’s tail,
and a bluebottle's body -
name that animal.

Or was it to keep the Autumn wind out of your house? It's ffffff freeezin up here now mate.