Poetry Forum

I think this is a fab idea that is very nearly beautifully executed. The last line (for me) just needs a tad bit of work. Otherwise I love this!

I agree with other comments that the first stanza seems alien to the rest of the poem. A good poem otherwise i thought.

I too was a bit thrown by the gender change thing, but there is something about this I like. I like the way you've conveyed the attributes of fairground staff.

Interesting topic, some nice rhymes and an altogether satisfying journey I felt. Enjoyed it.

Rushing Jay Hunter wrote:Excellent presented series of questions to the boys - ‘hear and later say’ works well as does ‘mice and men aside’ shell shock of sorts and tea very English and eccentric. Great work.

Thanks Jay, that is what I wanted to convey.

Pre flares. Pre OFSTED He would bound in unexpectedly (This is all hear and later say of course) And ambush a class of 13 years olds Pushing Davey Lamps, Algebra, Mice and Men aside And shout “A Panzer Tank full of Germans wanting to kill you YES YOU, PUGH! has just come through the gymnasium wall. ...

fraternal twins lying side by side

I like this line. As someone else has already stated, the poem has a cosy warmth to it, a warmth I enjoyed. I rather like it's simplicity all round. Thanks for posting it.

An interesting take on a subject and I like the way you hide the reveal of who this person is until the end of the poem - Nicely done.

I agree about the number of line breaks.

I too like the fact that it names no one in particular.

The 'dribble' word is in as I wanted to convey that idea of dribbling in anticipation. Maybe not such a good idea on reflection.

I remember when there was God enough for you in coughing choirs and a leaning flagpole eccentric vicars and Lent, but now, you entertain lakes of fire for me happy-clappy damnation sent. To me, and others just like me. So I race home and dribble google Why God doesn’t replace limbs and wonder what y...

Antcliff wrote:Ha! Evokes a child's world beautifully.

It did for me too. Well constructed. I like the clever nod to Ramsey's wingless wonders.

I like this, Short and to the point. I can relate to it and I think I can see what you wanted to (and have| achieve with it. What about the possibility of an adjective before 'anger'?

Interesting the way you use cyanide differently everytime in the poem.

An interesting subject area. Very succinct and good for that! I enjoyed this.

Just interesting view on line breaks in that informative link. Thanks for posting

John, glad you liked it, thanks

Dayna, thanks, they are great suggestions thank you. I will make some changes tomorrow when I have more time. So glad you enjoyed it.

Len

Gavin, there were parts of this poem that I enjoyed greatly. I feel it needs trimming down a little as it perhaps became a little repetative and lost some of it's sharpness of observation as it grew. Some wonderful lines however, especially tounged off by their red lipped girlfriends being a paticul...

I like this poem a great deal especially

hold your pen like a straw and suck
the blue/black ink off the paper,

a lovely idea.

Ian, that worked, thanks. I saved it in plain text and no probs. Thank you!

Len

Altered version of the poem. They came in Italian aeroplanes. Some husbands and sons. Wanting a piece of the action where the line of the east coast runs. Only the once really, maybe they had better things to do like fixing a child’s kite, or hearing a clock strike three in an unfamiliar bed and thi...

I'm haing tropubl;e posting (copy and paste) a poem as regards the line breqks ; These are retained at the preview point but after 'submit' all the line breaks are removed. Most frsutrating. Has anyoine else experianced this, is there a simple solution?

Seth, that's right , they are not the same.

I'm haing tropubl;e posting a poem as regards the line breqks are retained at the preview point but after 'submit' all the line breaks are removed. Most frsutrating. Has anyoine else experianced this, is there a simple solution?

The best poem I have so far come across on this board. Cracking . As someone has already said , it has a fantastic sensual quality to it. Great images and use of language.
I love this.

Shedding his cotton skin perhaps? Just a thought