Poetry Forum

Hi Ray, The only bit that I found actually grated was the last two lines, I think it's the use of "started" and "start" in close proximity. It also felt at odds with the rest of the poem, why should it "start her off" as she's the one who's straight and concrete and nev...

It's one of the courier services (home delivery) here in the UK. Think FedEx or similar. It actually stands for "Dalsey, Hillblom and Lynn" who were the founders but it is now a subsiduary of the German Poat Office.

Steve

Poet wrote: ↑

Thu Feb 06, 2020 9:33 pm

What's DHL? Does it stand for something?

Thanks Jules, I'm going to do an edit in the next day or two and I'll take your points on board, Steve Hi Steve - deadpan at its best. Brilliant start. I'm inclined to agree with Ray's edits. If you are wedded to 'Tomorrow's' return you could drop China and make S3 : A curtain drawn, a fire lit. Tom...

Poet wrote: ↑

Sun Feb 02, 2020 11:19 pm

DPC?

Should be DHL but it was a flash poem and I had a "senior" moment. Will amend in the rewrite,

Many thanks

Steve

Thanks for the crit Ray. I'll put my thinking cap on. Maybe "pro forma condolences". Reason for the last lines were to try and round it off. I suspect I had in my mind the 1970's poster "Suppose they gave a war and no-one came" as well as "Tomorrow never comes." Food fo...

Tomorrow

Tomorrow came;
an open coffin,
a few flowers,
Facebook announcement,
flowery condolences.

A scattered handful
dotting the crem.
Eulogy from
a preacher
who never met the man.

A curtain drawn,
a fire lit.
Ashes in an urn,
courtesy of China
delivered by DPC.

Tomorrow came,
Nobody cared.

Hi Ross, I'm from Hull, I've found the episode of Trawlermen that I think you've based this on. Peterhead is very different from Hull, different traditions and fishing areas. I'll watch the program in the next few days and give you my feedback then. My big problem is that a Hull trawlerman would not...

I like it as a poem, I have a couple of factual quibbles with it but they don't detract from the sense of the poem.

Steve

I actually like the use of "Kell". It summons up a very specific 1960/70's pub where one was a regular and so you knew the name of the barmaid and you knew what was on the jukebox (and how rarely it was updated). If you were "evil" you also knew what was most likey to p**s off th...

Hi Jackie. I enjoyed this very much however I have a couple of observations. The off the wall one first. I mentally replaced "Call me ..." with "Come to me ..." (or even "Come for me ..") in the opening of each verse. Makes it a different poem but works quite well but o...

As a story I love this. I could hear it being told, with diversions hither and thither, ay any of the storytelling sessions I go to. As a poem I am less convinced, I've fallen into the same trap myself of telling a story in a poem-like form but not really writing a poem and that's how it appears to ...

Thanks David.

Agreement amongst poets? Never!

I'm still unsure as to where to take this one, I think I'm going to let it moulder for a bit.

Steve

Thanks Not,

On reflection I think I agree with you so back to the thinking board. The one change that will stay is the deletion of the original last line.

Steve

The next version is now up complete with a change of title. I'll happily accept any better suggestions fo it.

Steve

Thank you Jackie and JJ for your crits. I have a new version in the works which I'll post shortly which reflects the comments that everyone has made.

Steve

Thanks for the crit. I agree about the last stanza, it's the one I've thought hardest about. When they were both alive mum was bed bound (another story) and dad had the active social life. In death he seems sterile and she is the one blooming and attracting life to the cemetry (please note, not the ...

I like this, Steve. (It is Steve, isn't it?) Some of the details seem to be known to the poet without making it across to the reader, but that doesn't seem like a major inconvenience. In fact I think the poem works pretty well. Thanks for the crit David. This one was a midbight poem and I've not wo...

The Rose and the Turf Mum; we planted a rose above your grave, a white one, pale as your life. For Dad we reserved the next door plot but life had left a rift too deep. He decreed that his ashes be scattered in the grounds of his church. Only ashes aren’t scattered, they lift a turf and spread them ...

I found it really difficult to get into this one. Once there I found much to enjoy. The one line that grated with me was - "At Donna Nook the seals harped" . Couple of reasons, the allusion seems really forced and the seals at Donna Nook are grey seals, not harp seals. Okay I accept thatth...

Thank you to everyone who has commented on this. Some of you comments I've taken on board, some I haven't but I have considered all of them and I am grateful for your input. Looking back through the versions (and those that I haven't posted here) I think that this is a better poem now than it was wh...

Thanks for the crit Joao.

I like a number of your points which may wel get reflected in the next rewrite.

Steve

Interesting because I come to the Wren (the King of the Birds which is another tale) from the folk tradition where it is the symbol of winter rather than summer. Traditionally the wren was hunted on St Stephen's Day (aka Boxing Day) which puts a different spin on it.

Steve

Hi,

Not sure I get the opening allusion either but if you're going there I'd be tempted to make it rhyme so l2 could read "... on an unsuspecting head".

Steve

Thanks JJ. This one is currently meandering it's way to another rewrite so I've added your thoughta into the mix.

Steve

Jackie wrote:

His friends found him lying against the rocks, facing the dawn.

Powerful.
Jackie

Given that comment I've had a major hack at the poem to reflect it. I find it is a problem for me that when a poem gets too close to home I often duck the issue.

Steve