Poetry Forum

David wrote:

Emmanuel wrote:This is an inspired work of poetry

No. It isn't. It really isn't. Naughty of Lovely to purloin it, nevertheless.

Seconded!

Very good. I much enjoyed the way you invoke a sense of guilt - is it? - for putting off chores while indulging your muse.

Are you the only person left alive who uses a pen?

What's your actual name? I haven't read your other posts, so sorry if I've missed it.

Cheers
Peter

loving the storms of powder
he volumed up around him.

...is simply terrific, in my view. But the whole thing is very good - a great idea, nicely executed. Wasn't too sure about Yah - it jarred somehow.

But, a nit.

Cheers
peter

This... I sat among the smooth dry stones lamenting...the purple sage is a lovely sequence, to my mind. Smooth and lyrical, without sounding forced. The rest seems quite nicely worded, but - for me - lacks some narrative drive. It's mainly passive commentary. A nit - chilblains, I think, is the usua...

camus wrote:I enjoyed it. The slightly jaded, inevitable acceptance of it all.

Captures my feelings about the piece perfectly.

I especially like the ending, with its sense of determined, but decaying, optimism.

very good.

peter

Excellent, JJ. I enjoyed it a lot. Its language is relaxed and undemanding, yet it captures a wonderfully reflective and poignant mood. Among many good lines, I particularly enjoyed: Cirrus clouds smeared the pale sky, Only 2 bits jarred with me (and then hardly at all). 1. L2 struck me as over lite...

It was supposed to appear that N was straining rather than the writer. Ah, I see. I didn't pick up on that. I guess, as the piece is essentially contextless, we have no insight as to N's deficiencies. So the piece itself has to make the point clear that he's flawed. As you say, a tricky needle to t...

Yes, very well done. I very much like the relaxed, ironical tone of the Grim Reaper, or whatever, making a sales pitch for the state of death. Some great lines, such as: you would want to fill the whole with the sum of your history. though one or two images seem strained. For example, As lazy as eli...

A lot to admire here, not least the sense of immersion in the animal's life. That's well done. And the lovely flow that comes from the alliteration in "run a roe deer ragged, cornering it in a copse" has shades of de la Mare about it. Very nice. Maybe you could sharpen the distinction betw...

Nice, Seth. I really like the last line. And the assonance of 'happy hammered dulcimer' is very enjoyable.

is there a typo in L1, S2? (I am annoyed...etc)

Why is it in Beginners? (Not that I want to resurrect the old discussion about exp/beginners.)

Cheers
p

David wrote:

Lou wrote:Your right, the twee must be avoided at all costs.

This poem isn't about twees, it's about flowers.

I like that.

Ho ho. Me too.
p

NotQuiteSure wrote: No - see below.

Ahh, obvious, really. Doh!

faces turned towards the track and waving when the trains go by. That's an image that's brilliant in its simplicity. Love it. In fact, I like the whole thing. Not sure I completely agree with David that it needs to rhyme. In fact, rhyming could (though not necessarily) give it a rather twee feel, un...

Wow, this certainly has expanded a bit! And I like it. An engaging and amusing tribute to Dutch courage.

Cheers
peter

David wrote:I think you need to make it an acrostic.

Yep, agree. My first thought (after reading it) was to check out its acrostic nature. Was a bit disappointed with FEEBB.

Cheers
peter

Hard to crit in any negative way - it's rhythm is perfect, it builds tension nicely and it raises a smile at the end.

David has already used the word 'bathos', so I won't. But it was my first thought, too. Well done.

Cheers
p

I confess that I'm not connecting entirely with the conceit here, though it's coming across, to me, as an extended metaphor on the aftermath of some kind of terrorist act. But, if it's opaque at the meta-level, it's very good at a granular level - some of the lines are excellent. All of them, in fac...

It's got an easy, unforced air to it, which enhances (even creates) a sense of poignancy. Which I like a lot.

The first verse is very good, but it's the last that steals the show for me - almost a piece in itself.

Very good

Cheers
peter

I won't claim I've fully grasped the narrative, though I've got the general drift. But that didn't interfere with my enjoyment of reading it. I hardly stumbled at all rhythm-wise, and the mix of biblical phraseology with contemporaneous language and setting, is well-judged and funny. Most couplets a...

Excellent. Witty and involving. But, like David, I think it needs another read or two. Will come back.
Peter

A very enjoyable read for its rhythm, pace and imagery - even if, as David says, it's a bit obscure in places. It read to me like an interview for a business loan or something, but no doubt you had something else in mind. I especially liked: Dark horse closer. Shark jumper. Self nipple pincher. She ...

Very good, but I didn't 'get' the last line until I read the thread.

Sadly, perhaps, I actually knew what crocs are. What's happening to me?
Cheers
p

I quite like it, but not sure which of it is intended to be the poem. Why not post a final version - would like to see it.
Cheers
p

Ah, the empiricists putting the boot in to the rationalists. And with irony, too.

I like it.

Cheers
p

For me, this is quintessential David. Which is another way of saying excellent.

I really like, and admire, the way its apparent inconsequentiality captures a sense of poignancy; a sense of people trying, but not always succeeding, to make something of life. Or something.

Cheers
p