Poetry Forum

Between the apple tree and trampoline our piratical cat with black-patched eye, flashes his white tail, fixes the green stare on I as I hang the washing to dry. A wood-pigeon’s feathers blanket the grass like a snowdrift that’s forgotten to melt. Our villain inspects his undertaking, a shroud laid o...

It's all a bit too telegraphed, I think and you need something written on that piece of paper. How would you know that paper has been there 6 months?

He was struck down before he fathered children: - that's an interesting line, but is kind of stuck out on a limb, goes nowhere. Can't really fathom the rest of the tale.

But Ray, you (or the speaker in the poem if that isn't you) say that you have convictions but were able to adopt, so isn't there an injustice being outlined in the poem? My convictions were of a lesser order, though I was once convicted of carrying an offensive weapon - it wasn't a poem - but perha...

Thanks all. John - yes, I may use "more like", not sure just yet. In the 2nd stanza I omitted to put " And like Benjamin Zephaniah, if someone..." Is that better or worse? Phil - happiness is a matter of perspective - nice point. And true, no doubt. Still, whilst I'm very happy t...

Love it, especially the last line. And remarkably, I I knew you meant Lawrencian. But what are these endless tubs of blue water?

We move toward the unrestricted air,
not looking back, although the chances are
that this is not goodbye but au revoir.

Lovely. It's all great. I get the mummy reference, not the fishing. Dunno if you need those last 2 lines, or the brackets above them, blinking Lazarus a good place to end.

Enjoyed the read. I think you could do without the 3rd stanza, not least because it would seem apt to go from "it's past" to "The first 30 years are the hardest". But also, it doesn't seem particularly integral to the poem.

Well, I’m not black, and I haven’t dreadlocks, but I do hail from Birmingham and I am a poet of sorts, a vegan, and, of course, I support Aston Villa. And if someone told me I’d but weeks to live. my only regret would be the same as his, that I wouldn’t see Villa win the Premier League. But here is ...

Thanks all. Yes, Tony, it could certainly be shorter. Phil, spent the great majority of my career working with "long-stay" patients/clients, people who remained where they were and didn't tend to get better. Bit like us on Proleartthreat.

Same as what Phil said.

What’s small must yield to what is big,
and this is how I disappear.

Nice lines, but I wonder what you have in mind, what is the big thing? Madness itself?

Very good. Again. A clock is making faces on the wall. - just a simple line, but I love it. Like Nash, I think there's a problem with the metre in line 4 and also the rhyme, comes/symptoms. I wonder if ...the doctor arrives/appears...gives you better options.

Thanks, David. I vaguely remember borrowing the rhyme scheme from some other poem I've read, possibly the rhythm too. Yes, the metre comes and goes a bit, but I've done worse.

Ray, this is a fabulous, fabulous poem. I just love it. I may keep it in my file of great poets by other authors (if you feel it is finished). It is insightful, it is creative, it is delightfully rhythmic, and the rhyme is excellent. This is one of the best poems you have written, so much so that i...

Hi Ray, Great title, and for me, a somewhat depressing read. This I think is a tribute to how accurate your take is on a very depressing thing, the medicalization of the insane. I of course am delighted to be on a med these days that makes my life livable outside of a secure facility, but I have vi...

Don't you think the 12 lines of rhyme can stand on their own, without the prologue? I'd have thought so. Not sure about the school dance line, part of me thinks it's naff, another part thinks it might strike the right note.

On oranges or lemons we’d practise: the nearest resemblance to skin. When we thought we’d finally cracked it the actual injections could begin. In the upper outer quadrant we’d find the spot where the needle went in. We imagined we were being kind. There was something lurking inside them that might ...

Thanks David. I see what you mean about the last line, but it is what it is, the neighbours are who they are. Some people have lately been urging me to go back to performing poetry, but I've got a longer memory than they have.

ton321 wrote: ↑

Sat Dec 09, 2023 4:38 am

can you or can you not do it in space?

did you mean ---can you or can't you?

Thanks Tony. Same thing ennit?

Brilliant. Made me laugh. It's a left-of-centrish kind of poem, I suppose. These kind of exchanges are run of the mill in our family. My wife will try, or recommend anything so long as it's not prescribed by a doctor.

Maybe
She was an older woman, asked if the seat was taken,
plonked herself down;

Enjoyed. I'd agree with David about the 2nd stanza, it feels like it's trying too hard to adopt a poetic tone.

Lovely poem.The last 4 lines are terrific. My only slight quibble would be "brisks about" , I mean, who would say that and there's obvious alternatives. I'm assuming it's a personal experience - nothing serious, I hope.

Yeah, I quite enjoyed that Ginsberg poem. As you say, fairly short.

Thanks all. John, don't ever assume that I know what I'm talking about - unless it's football.I thought a cherubim was a baby angel. Other John, yes I'm from Brum so I'd say perchist, which rhymes near enough with virgins. Caleb, you've not heard the phrase "soon-to-be-weds"? It's like new...

From Matrimonial Matters they purchased two bridesmaids, authenticated virgins, a four-poster bed carved with angelic figures, the neighbours came out to watch it delivered. A cherub’s wing was dislodged by the trees, there was nudging and winking as on hands and knees the soon-to-be weds searched f...